


A Game For Two

by loquaciousEscapist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Time, M/M, Vibrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-16
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 09:41:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/513880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loquaciousEscapist/pseuds/loquaciousEscapist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake is a man of adventure - why take the simplest route when you can go all out to get what you want?<br/>Dirk has no idea why everyone keeps sending him knowing looks.<br/>Rose just wants everyone to stop vomiting on her floors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
Jake. Guess what?   
Our name combined is Jirk.   
Like Jerk.   
Jirk.   
Dirk my good man its really late!   
Is it? Hadn’t noitced.   
Fuck, I meanmt noticed.   
Meant.   
...Dirk are you drunk?   
No.   
Well.   
Define drunk.   
Have you imbibed alcoholic beverages?    
Oh yeah I’ve done that. Roxy’s mom gave us a shit load of stuff.   
*Laughs uproariously* i am once again devastated that i cant be there to partake in events until sunday!   
Stupid ocean. Which one is it again?   
Wait nevermind, keep hold of your phone, we’re going to rnig you.   
Ring.   
You know what I meant.   


You snort, transfer your phone to your left hand, and continue writing with your right. You have been drawing up a flight timetable for the three planes you have to catch to get to Roxy’s when Dirk had texted; there are absent-minded doodles in the corners of the page.

You glance at the phone, which still hasn’t rung. Granted, it’s a terrible phone, and sometimes calls disappear in the abyss, but you have literally _just_ received a text.

Just as you consider throwing the phone against the wall (you’ve already done this before, and it had the inexplicable dual effect of improving your phone and cracking your wall) the phone rings with Roxy’s custom ring tone – her voice rings out through the room.

“Pick me uuuuuup! Yeah, like that song – pick me uuuuuup, when the day is over, take me – no, wait, it’s ‘lift me up’, damn it! ...English, why are you still listening to me talk, pick up the-”

“Hello, Roxy!” You say cheerfully, putting down your pen, rolling back in your chair and kicking your feet up onto the table.

“Jaaaaaakey!” Roxy squeals. “Guys, it’s actually him this time!” There’s a scuffle down the phone.

“What do you mean, it’s actually me?” You ask. Of course it’s you, this is your phone!

“Jake!” Jane giggles in a manner that can only be described as creepy. “I made a new friend. Kevin. Keeeeehviiiiin.”

“We called the wrong number,” Dirk explains serenely, “and some guy named Kevin picked up. He was very friendly.”

“Oh?”

“Dirk’s in looove,” Roxy and Jane croon, and you hear Dirk swear at them before they all burst out laughing. The number of times you have felt alone has quadrupled since the three of your best (and only) friends had gathered at Roxy’s house. Due to irregular flight patterns from your island (i.e. once a month when the food comes in) you haven’t been able to get a flight until five days after everyone else had got there. 

Apparently you’ve sighed over the phone, because the girls stop teasing Dirk, and Jane asks,

“Jake, sweetie, are you all right?”

“Hmm? Oh, yes, quite satisfactory, my dear Miss Crocker, I’m just suffering from a mild case of jealousy, which shall be cured as soon as I board the flight from this island in two days time.”

“Ohhhhh,” Roxy says – you can practically hear her mouth stretching into a grin. “Ohhhhhhhhh.”

“What?”

“Nothing! I just know something you don’t know!”

“Tell me!”

“Hmm. Nope! Think I’ll leave it as a little bit of a sur-”

“Dirk’s bro’s hired a private jet to come pick you up and it’s arriving in less than an hour get packing let’s go go goooo!” Jane blurts out – you hear the slap of a hand over a mouth.

“ _Janey!_ ”

“I’mf sforry!” she mumbles almost incoherently. Her voice becomes clearer as she says “I couldn’t help it!”

“Hurry up and get your tanned butt to this house, English, or so help me-“

“Bom bombom bom-”

“So help me, so help me, and cut!” The line goes dead, and you stare at it for less than five seconds before it rings again.

“Pick me uuu-”

“- _surrounded_ by incompetent morons – Jake?”

“Dirk?”

“Yeah. The plane’s going to be there in less than an hour, assuming your hellmurder island doesn’t have drastically different air currents to normal people air, so whack some shit into a bag and we’ll see you later?” He hangs up before you can respond, which is just as well because the sound that comes out of your mouth is neither human nor especially full of mangrit.

**

You have just thrown all of your underpants into a suitcase (packing is not your forte) when Pesterchum chimes. You don’t immediately go to check it, however, because if it was anything important then your friends would have just phoned you!

It isn’t until you’ve packed your whole wardrobe, 12 alerts from Pesterchum later, that you go over to check – you are greeted with a wall of orange.

You know what sucks?   
Being here and listening to those two get their vagina thing on next door.   
Trust me bro, this isn’t like porn, where I can just get off to them and Bob’s your fucking uncle, this is practically incest, but without the blood bond.   
Friendcest?   
Whatever.   
The point is that I’m looking forward to you getting here, despite how gay it is to admit that.   
Speaking of which, remember that thing we talked about?   


You do not remember the thing.

Where we discussed my boner for you.   


You _definitely_ do not remember the thing.

Maybe I dreamt that.   
The point is, I have a boner for you. Like, not even a friendboner, where you think ‘gee willikers this guy is super swell’, but a real honest to God boner that I want to put in your butt.   
So yeah.   
There’s that.   



	2. Chapter 2

When the plane touches down at the airport, you are both excited and incredibly apprehensive – it turns out there is no need to be, because none of your friends have arrived to retrieve you from the airport. Instead Ms Lalonde, Roxy’s mother, is standing by a sleek black car, smoking a cigarette.

“Jake English?” You nod, dumbstruck. Objectively you’d known that Roxy’s mother was Rose Lalonde, _the_ Rose Lalonde, just like you’d known that Dirk’s brother was Dave Strider, and Jane was the heiress to Crocker Corp _and_ the granddaughter of John Crocker, but there was a difference between knowing it and actually experiencing Rose Lalonde in the flesh. The acronym ‘MILF’ dances across your mind in revealing light up lingerie, and instantly you know this is an image you will take to the grave. “I’m Rose Lalonde.”

“I – yeah!” The smirk on her face is all knowing, giving you the faint impression that she can not only read thoughts, but is also the one planting them there in the first place.

“My daughter sends her apologies, but she and Jane are staying with your mutual friend Dirk, who has vomited what appears to be several litres of orange soda onto my cream carpet. Apparently he is not one to hold his alcohol.” You wince in sympathy, but this also explains Dirk’s messages – if he is drunk to the point of vomiting, it is entirely possible that he had no idea what he was saying.

Yeah. Sure.

You’ve sort of known for a while now that Dirk has feelings of a ‘not-friend’ nature for you – occasional hints to feelings crept up in conversations, but he’d never been so... Brazen about it. He’d certainly never mentioned your butt, anyway. You’ll have to confront him when he’s sober.

“I, uh, brought kind of a lot of stuff?” You shrug, gesturing to where the baggage crew (Dave has his own baggage crew, how cool is _that_?)is currently hauling your giant ass suitcase off the plane. Ms Lalonde gives you a shrug of her own.

“One of the perks of having an unfathomable amount of money, Mr English, is that I can afford to buy a reasonably large car. Hop in.”

You’re not sure when exactly you fall asleep, but when you eventually awaken it’s because Roxy is flinging herself over your body, and the sun is just rising over the horizon.

“Jakey! Jakington, Sir Jakelot, Jake from the Shire, Jake –”

“Gadzooks, Roxy, your elbows are crushing my internal organs!”

“As a budding scholar and overall genius I refute that claim.” She digs her elbows in further. “See? Still breathing, Jake!” She nestles her head under your chin, and you hold her tighter. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, Rox.” You’re both quiet for a few seconds, revelling in each other’s company. Then; “Hey, wait, where’re the other two?” Roxy laughs.

“Dirk’s asleep on the floor, and Jane” she lowers her voice to a whisper “was on the toilet when Mom drove in.”

“I heard that!” You crane your neck to look out of the window, and Jane is running towards the car, her pale pink dressing gown flying out behind her. Roxy jumps off you, but before you have chance to move yourself Jane is slamming into you and snuggling into your chest.

“Pile on!” Roxy yells, throwing herself on top of Jane.

“Ladies, please, there is plenty of English to go around!”

“Shhh, Jake, only snuggles now,” Roxy says, patting in the general vicinity of your face.

“Surely Jake would rather be in the comfort of the house before you smother him with love?” Ms Lalonde says wryly – you hadn’t even noticed she was still sitting in the driver’s seat.

“You can never smother Jake with too much love,” Roxy says wisely; nevertheless, she jumps up and pulls Jane up with her.

“How’s Mr Strider?” Ms Lalonde asks as Roxy pulls her out of the car and into a greeting hug.

“Fast asleep, Ms Lalonde,” Jane says. “I checked on him earlier.”

“Yeah, he’s out like a baby. A long, bony baby. Although,” Roxy looks at you speculatively as you unfurl yourself from the backseat, “I think you might be a bit taller than him! It’s not fair, why am I the short ass in this internet family?”

“Because it makes it easier to do this,” Jane picks her up from behind and swings her around, and you smile at them both fondly.

“Aaah, no, stoooop, I’ll be sick, I’ll be sick!” Roxy laughs, not looking at all nauseous. 

“They’ve been like this since Jane got here,” a croaky voice says behind you. You whip round, and Dirk is stood right there, grinning at you faintly. “Don’t hug me too exuberantly, English, I’m a delicate flower.” You take note and hug him gently – you don’t want vomit all over you, after all!

“When did you wake up, Sleeping Beauty?” Jane asks, grinning over Roxy’s shoulder, who is still being held several inches off the floor.

“About the same time Roxy shrieked ‘guys, guys, he’s here!’” Dirk mimics in a falsetto that sounds nothing like Roxy. “Took me this long to make it downstairs because the carpet kept spinning.”

“Someone obviously can’t hold their jägerbombs...” Roxy sing songs.

“I had seven, and for someone that doesn’t drink that’s pretty fucking impressive,” Dirk replies with an eye roll.

You still haven’t actually let go of Dirk yet.

Why should you? He’s your best bro, one you’ve never actually seen in the flesh (Skype doesn’t count), and you’re entitled to spend as long as you want hugging this boy! So what if all that’s going through your head are those texts he sent you earlier, it’s not like you’re imagining him sticking his dick in your butt!

Holy crap you’re imagining him sticking his dick in your butt.

**

When you, your friends, and the contents of your wardrobe finally make it back into the house, you only last for a few more minutes before you crash on the sofa, feet dangling off the end; Jane sleeps curled up in a ball on the floor, Roxy flings herself over the sofa so that her legs lie along the back, and Dirk disappears up the stairs, muttering about needing the bathroom.

When you awaken again, the room is a strange pale green colour – eventually you discern that this is due to the midday sun shining through the white and green curtains, which completely cover the floor to ceiling windows. Roxy and Jane are nowhere to be found. You attempt to call out their names, but you haven’t drunk anything in so long that your voice comes out as nothing more than a dry croak, so you get up to look for them.

You don’t have to look far! Well, for Dirk at any rate. He’s sitting in the kitchen, nursing a steaming mug of coffee; he lifts it in your direction when you walk in.

“Morning.” He sounds far less delicate than he had earlier, but the bleary blinks and pasty skin suggests otherwise.

“Good morning, mate!” You say, before downing a large glass of water, quickly followed by a second. “Good to see you!”

“Yeah, likewise.” He takes a sip.

Now’s your moment to ask him!

“Say, Dirk...” You pull out a chair and sit opposite – he raises an eyebrow. “How much do you remember of what you got up to last night?”

“Apparently I vomited.” Dirk shrugs. “Either that or Ms Lalonde was scrubbing at somebody’s orange piss stain this morning when I finally surfaced from bed.”

“And you don’t remember... Anything else? Nothing?” Dirk frowns at you.

“Jake, I obviously did something to annoy you, just spit it out already.”

“What? No!” You laugh and scratch the back of your neck. “I was just... Curious! I wanted to see if you had indulged in any daring adventures while intoxicated, that’s all!” Dirk squints at you through narrowed eyes, but then seems to let the matter drop.

You sag your shoulders a bit. If Dirk really doesn’t remember what he’d said to you, maybe you should wait before bringing it up? Perhaps the effects of the alcohol had made him think those things – gosh, how embarrassing would it have been if you’d asked him about it straight out and he’d had no idea what you were talking about!

Maybe you’ll have to be a bit more subtle about this.

**

_Meanwhile, a young girl and her friend stand in her sitting room, hacking into a friend’s pesterchum account._


	3. Chapter 3

They come for you like fucking harpies, bearing down on you when you’re weak and incapacitated – yes, your head is currently down the toilet again. Hands descend onto your shoulders, and the shock of it almost makes you crack your head against the toilet seat.

“Mr Strider,” Roxy says, sounding like she has uncovered the most delicious gossip that she is fully intending on exploiting to the highest degree.

Oh, who are you kidding, this is probably exactly what is happening.

“How much do you remember of last night?” Jane asks – her voice is much softer than Roxy’s, you want her to do all of the talking while you have a hangover.

“Not a lot? We rang Jake, and then the next thing I remember Jake was hugging me and then I woke up in bed.” You sit up just in time to see Roxy and Jane exchange a look. “What? What. What did I do.”

“You know how you gave me your pesterchum password, so I could pull that prank on Jake a few months back?” You nod. “I saw you on it last night, and I wanted to make sure you hadn’t done anything too bad...” Roxy winces and hands you your phone.

At first you’re confused – you don’t remember typing any of this! But then it hits you – you certainly remember _thinking it_ , oh _fuck_ , why did you have your phone in your hand at all, you’re such an idiot! And, to top it all off, this is probably what Jake had been asking about earlier.

“Can you please exit the bathroom, I don’t want either of you present as I attempt to drown myself in the toilet water.” Jane’s face twists in sympathy, whereas Roxy wrinkles her nose in disgust.

“Gross!” She crouches down on her haunches next to you. “But seriously, Dirk Whittington –”

“Let me guess, you’re the cat in this dynamic.”

“What are you going to do about it? You have drunkenly confessed to the guy of your dreams – do you A” she holds up her right hand “remain in this bathroom, sustained only by toilet water and your own sulkiness; or B” her left hand comes up “grow some balls, totter down those stairs, and pork said best friend in the butt on the living room sofa?”  
You ponder this for a moment, before saying decisively,

“A. Definitely A.” Roxy smacks your shoulder.

“Wrong! You are going to march down those stairs, and you are going to kiss that boy square on the mouth.”

“No, when I do confess to him, it’s got to be _perfect_.” The girls grin at each other.

“So you admit you’re going to confess to him that those texts weren’t purely drunken ramblings?” You nod. “You have to do it before you all go back home then. That means no doing it over pesterchum, and you’ve only got six days!”

“Do you have a plan, Dirk?” Jane asks, sitting down cross legged and nudging you with her elbow.

“Jane, please, I don’t do anything without planning it in advance.” Roxy squints at you, and then holds out her hand.

“Hand it over.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You involuntarily let your gaze flick over to your right shoe. Instantly Roxy is barrelling you over, pinning your arms to the floor.

“Quick, Janey, grab his shoe, grab his shoe!” Jane pulls off your shoe, and with it your plan for Jake and getting him to date you (no homo) (by which you mean all of the damn homo), which she pockets in her skirt. Roxy snickers and adjusts her weight so that all of it rests on your abdomen. 

“Ah, fuck, get off me you slattern, I am a pure and virginal lily that you are defacing with your debauchery, I – holy shit Jane stop tickling my foot!” She grins at you – you half expect her to pull out a torch to light her face from underneath for further villainous effect.

“You’re ticklish?” They share a look.

“Don’t you fucking dare I swear to God-” You are saved the humiliation of your tickled moans when Jake appears at the door, looking confused and somewhat hurt.

“Where did you lot disappear off to? Not that talking to your mother isn’t frightfully stimulating, Roxy, but I didn’t travel halfway across the world to discuss things beyond my comprehension with a woman more than twice my age.”

“Come here, Jake, we have a really important secret for you.” You watch as Jake raises his eyebrows excitedly at Roxy – that boy is quick to forgive. “Sit there.”

She’s pointing at your groin, you’re going to kill her.

As Jake makes himself nice and comfortable (thankfully your blood is too busy making a nice home in your face to consider going south for the summer just yet), Roxy and Jane scramble off you, leaving you with a lapful of squirmy boy.

Actually, you’ve changed your mind, you’re going to kiss Roxy as soon as you get the feeling back in your limbs.

Jake’s staring down at you like he’s in the middle of a very serious epiphany, this is it, the moment you’ve been waiting for –

“Dirk’s ticklish.”

God damn it you are going to _murder Roxy with a toothbrush_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short filler chapter today! Don't worry though, the actual porn will be soon. _Soon_.


End file.
